Give Me Nicotine or Give Me Death

I'm pretty much entirely not a smoker. As a student I flirted with cigarettes, largely out of curiosity; but having established to my satisfaction that neither the flavour nor the high was fun enough to justify the considerable expense -- and, crucially, that smoking didn't make me look cool enough that girls were more likely go to bed with me -- I gave up on it.

These days the only tobacco I taste takes the form of a cigar on special occasions: weddings, usually, or when friends are celebrating the successful functioning of their reproductive equipment.

So the direct effect on my life of what, apparently, two-thirds of M.P.s want -- a total ban on smoking in pubs -- would be negligible. But the effect on British pub culture would be devastating, and that's something I do feel I have a stake in. As a member of CAMRA I'm entitled to pontificate about such things, at extreme length if necessary, whilst resting a full-to-the brim pint on the upper surface of my belly. So...

If the Government bans smoking in pubs, as many voters seem to want them to do, then pubs will at a stroke become less inclusive, friendly and welcoming. Students, old men with dogs and a fair number of affluent professionals will suddenly find it vastly preferable to go to a private members' club, or more depressingly to consume their fags and beer at home. Drinking in streets and parks, which the Government also frowns on, will certainly increase.

Under the legislation the Government is actually proposing, whereby it's only pubs which sell food where the ban will be observed, publicans will be obliged to decide whether they'd prefer to alienate the smokers or the eaters among their clientele. Whatever happens, pubs are going to go out of business -- and you can bet it's not going to be the ones with the financial backing of mainstream breweries or big McPubCo chains.

I understand the health benefits, just as I understand that... oh Lord, just fill in your favourite statistic about traffic accidents or marijuana or whatever. But speaking for myself, I would very much prefer to be considered an adult, capable of making an informed decision as to whether or not the risk of entering a mildly nicotine-laced atmosphere is worth the benefit of the nice beer I might find therein, than a mindless work-drone who requires to have all freedom of choice removed by governmental edict so that the difficulty of making a decision won't destabilise his brain, thus compromising his value to the state.

And as for those of us who actually aren't adults... well.

I'm honestly in favour of pubs accommodating families by providing, say, non-smoking rooms, outside tables and the like. I'm very glad to be able to go to pubs and have a drink with those of my friends who have, as previously mentioned, successfully undergone the parturitive process.

But a pub is, essentially, a social space for adults: this is its core function. The fact that many such establishments will also admit children is an additional benefit -- an optional extra which, at present, a reasonable number of them choose to offer. Myself, I didn't set foot in a pub until I was old enough (in my own estimation, if not that of the Government) to have a drink there, and I certainly didn't expect everyone else there to conform to what was at the time my fanatical disapproval of tobacco, any more than I expected them to share my taste for Dry Blackthorn cider.

Now that I'm older, I'm honestly very pleased that the opportunity exists for me to go to pubs and have a pleasant pint with those of my friends who have elected to become parents. And yet I would, in an ideal world, also like not to be deprived of the opportunity to go to pubs with those of my friends who are smokers -- and, if it seems appropriate, to eat a meal there with them -- without them moaning all the bloody time.

Is that really such an indefensible position?